OK, this is getting ridiculous now – former wrestler turned low-rent straight-to-DVD action star, ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin, has become the latest macho macho man to join the cast of Sylvester Stallone’s extraordinarily exciting action movie, The Expendables.
He joins a cast of the toughest men in the world, including Stallone himself, The Stath, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Danny Trejo, Arnold Schwarzenegger (in a brief, brief cameo), Mickey Rourke, Forest Whitaker, Gordon Ramsay, Martin Skrtel, Wolf off of Gladiators, and Dick & Dom.
There’s no word yet on who ‘Stone Cold’ Steve, as he likes us to call him, will be playing in the mercenaries go wild action flick, but we imagine that it’s someone bald and shouty, with big muscles.
Scientists have calculated that the levels of testosterone generated by a viewing of The Expendables will be so high that it could endanger the future of the human race, as all women will become men, and all men will become hulking brutes unable to communicate in anything other than grunts. In other words, the cast of The Expendables.
To dampen this potentially catastrophic effect, Stallone has also added a woman – WO…MAN! WO…MAN! – to the cast, in the delectable form of former Buffy/Angel star, Charisma Carpenter. Again, no word on who she’ll be playing, but it could be the role that Sly had set aside for his old muckerette, Sandra Bullock. Either way, it’ll be good to see Charisma get a big-screen role after years of goggle box action. And if she’s mucking in with the lads, firing off big guns, even better.
Honestly, the only way this film could get any better is if they cast Fred Willard and Matthew Lillard as Lonny Donny and Donny Lonny, two removals men who must transport a priceless gecko from San Diego Zoo to… oh, no, that’s** Lizard In A Blizzard**. Our mistake.