“Ahem. Please stand for the sing”:
…Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan, you very nice place
From plains of Tarashenk to the northern fence of Jewtown
Come grasp the mighty phenis of our leader
From junction with the testes to tip of its face.****
As the last bars of ‘O, Kazakhstan’ resonate across a rain-sodden Leicester Square, it is clear that the country’s newest moustachioed export has arrived in London. Jagshemesh! Borat is in town.
In Cannes it was the effervescent slingshot packet-pouch, in L.A. it was the turn of the horse-drawn dilapidated limo. But the Odeon West End manages to bag the real Borat premiere treat, as the Kazakhstani reporter arrives on a mule-hauled cart flanked by thirty members of his close ‘family’ – each with their own special pile of linen. Borat is looking particularly awesome. Gone is the dour, grey suit. Instead, the star of Cultural Learnings Of America Or Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan has managed to acquire some new ‘neat clobber’ – the Union Jack umbrella is the perfect addition.
“When all this is finished”, he instructs, “you must all come back to my hotel in King’s Cross and we will drink, wrestle and shoot dogs from the window”. With his thumbs permanently raised in the ‘up’ position, Borat wanted to tell the whole of the UK why it was so vital for him to be at the British premiere of his movie-film:
“It is very important to be here. I have been blessed by my premiere to come here and celebrate republic day of Kazakhstan, which is now equal country as anywhere else. Women are now permitted to travel on inside of bus, homosexuals no longer have to wear blue hats and the age of consent has been raised to twelve years old! Please come.”
And what about his now well-documented road trip across the US? Some happy memories, no doubt?
“Yes, but I did have some problems. For example, I did not know it is no longer legal to shoot at Red Indians and I would like to use this opportunity to the apologise to the reservation. Sorry Chief Goodwill.”
Borat is, of course, a ladies’ man (niiiice). It is therefore unsurprising to find that he has fairly definite opinions on the British female populace:
“They are very nice, although I must say I do not know for sure as I have not had time to buy any. The ones I have seen are very different to Kazakhstan women – here they have more hair on their heads than on their backs, but they do not look strong enough to pull a plough or punch a horse to sleep…I would very much like to meet Queen – not for sexy time, but merely for respect. Very nice!”
As the interviewer extraordinaire is hassled by his ‘producer’ to make a move into the auditorium, which has already seen the likes of Isla Fisher, The 11 O’Clock Show host Daisy Donovan and Desperate Housewives’ Jesse Metcalfe take their seats (comedian/actor Sacha Baron-Cohen was a surprising no-show…), the snuffling reporter desperately wanted to make sure that everyone knows his family are foremost in his mind:
“I did bring my eleven year old son Bilak here with his wife who is a similar age and they have recently given born to a baby which we are hope to sell to singing transvestite Madonna.”
Hi final parting comments were reserved for our own cultural ambassador, and King of Bling – Ali-G – Rekognize: “We would not allow this Mr. G into our country. My television programme was bought by his, and he is not a serious journalist. If I can say some of his comments and interviews are not well prepared.”
Borat: Cultural Learnings Of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation Of Kazakhstan is released in cinemas nationwide on November 2nd.