“You brought us to shark-infested waters the day before my wedding!” shouts Manchester bride-to-be-Lizzie (Lauren Lyle), having seen one of her party chomped on by an ocean apex predator.
Closer to the intimate, lo-fi thrills of Open Water and 47 Metres Down than the high seas camp of Deep Blue Sea and The Meg, director Hayley Easton Street’s debut feature is essentially Bridezilla vs Jaws, as a gang of gal pals, partying in the Caribbean for a destination wedding, are left stranded by not enough life jackets, one float and a leaky boat as Mr. Shark comes a-calling. The result lacks surprises, feels very familiar, perhaps working best as a cautionary tale for the kind of self-absorbed people who force their friends to pony up for ridiculously expensive nuptials abroad.
Something In The Water is very nearly that rare thing, a film with an all-female cast — an accolade spoiled by the brief appearance of the groom (Gabriel Prevost-Takahashi). As well as Lizzie, we have ringleader Cam (Nicole Rieko Setsuko), eco-bore Ruth (Ellouise Shakespeare-Hart) plus Meg (Hiftu Quasem) and Kayla (Natalie Mitson), an ex-couple who split after a homophobic attack left Meg traumatised and are now uneasily reuniting.
When it reaches the open seas, the action runs through every trick in the shark flick playbook
Cat Clarke’s (Good Omens, Ten Percent) screenplay has some good gags, the patience to spend time with its characters pre-mayhem — there’s dancing to S Club Seven’s ‘Reach’, Titanic jokes and enough friendship bracelets to rival a Taylor Swift gig — and the cast portray the group amity (not Amity) with gusto. But the characters lack depths, the dynamics never feel textured or true — it might be faithful to the genre but there are some epically stupid decisions on show here and the bickering becomes boring (the film’s mostly serious tone also means it is unclear if Meg’s name is a knowing nod to Jason Statham’s nemesis).
When it reaches the open seas, the action runs through every trick in the shark flick playbook without ratcheting up the tension; the boat that passes by but doesn’t pick our heroes up because we’re only in the second act; blood in the water that acts as catnip for the killer fish; flashbacks while characters are bobbing up and down in the water; the torrential rainstorm at night; the little bit of reef that provides respite for the final girl.
The budget seems to have largely gone on the spectacular locations (in actuality the Dominican Republic) and over-used drone shots, meaning the sharks are mostly represented by a circling fin, with brief flashes of decent CG towards the end. It’s not completely dead in the water but you’ll get the size of it very quickly – the head, the tail, the whole damned thing.