Steve Martin Confirmed As Oscar Host

It will be a long, cold night in March when the dedicated among you stay up to watch the 75th Academy Awards. Despite the work of lobby groups and organised religions around the world, anti-host Steve Martin will once again don his tux to torture viewers the world over with another Martin Oscar Night. The death of a pet, being gored by a rhino, even a well-timed Chinese burn can't compare to the sheer agony of 2001's event as Martin led gag after gag to fall flat on its face. Perhaps it's just us, perhaps after years of Billy Crystal and Whoopi Goldberg we've become spoiled. Whatever the case, there can be few among us who didn't want to beat Steve to death with a statuette by the time the Best Film category came around. "I'm very pleased to be hosting the Oscars again," Martin told press, "because fear and nausea always make me lose weight." Yes Steve, we know how you feel.