You have to feel sorry for The Scorpion King. Once a real-life Egyptian King named Serqet, his movie career so far has amounted to a much-hyped bad guy turn in The Mummy Returns that turned out to be arguably the worst CG effect in major movie history, and a lame prequel in which he was a good guy, notable only for showing us that The Rock could do more than raise his eyebrow, and that Kelly Hu was unbelievably gorgeous.
It’s been five years now since The Scorpion King made a surprisingly decent $165 million globally, but despite the fact that films that have made half that much have spawned hordes of (mostly straight to DVD) sequels, it seemed that Universal were going to let the King get some rest.
Until, as they say, now. For Moviehole is reporting that another Scorpion King prequel, this time subtitled Rise Of The Akkadian is set to start shooting in South Africa (“deep-lo-maht-eek ee-moon-ee-tee!”) on September 1, under the watchful eye of Russell Mulcahy… as long as they can find someone to step into The Rock’s size 28s first (that’s an Empire estimate: we have no idea what size The Rock’s shoes are. What are we, psychotic?).
Yes, for since The Scorpion King came out, Dwayne Johnson has been busy carving himself a decent career as a movie star. Nothing ground-shaking, of course (although Welcome To The Jungle deserved better. Much better), but he’s doing alright, and so has moved onto bigger and better things.
And so Mulcahy and the movie’s producers, Patti Jackson and Lisa Gooding, have issued the following brief for casting agents as they try to uncover a new Rock. The brief also outlines part of the movie’s plot.
“There is no requirement to look exactly like a young Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, but we still need an EXOTIC QUALITY: Polynesian, mixed race, Arabic, brunette. NOT blond,” says the casting brief. We have no idea who they'll find, but we'd give you short odds that it's another wrestler. Those guys are built. But wait, there's more.
“We also need our Mathayus [that’s what Scorpiony calls himself] to reflect the charisma and comedic elements of the character created by The Rock, especially in his warm, relaxed and humorous relationship with Layla, the young girl whom he has grown up with, and with whom he experiences a growing sexual tension.”
Growing sexual tension… in Empire’s day, we simply called it an erection. But there you have it, readers – The Scorpion King: Rise Of The Akkadian will be a love story. Surely not – after all, we’re not going to shell out hard-earned cash to see this movie (most probably on DVD or in a hotel room at some point when we’re bored) to see the King kiss. We come to see him kick ass!
So let’s try to shed some light on the plot. What is this ‘Rise of the Akkadian’? Well, hopefully it’s not a euphemism and a reference to what happens when the King experiences some of that ‘growing sexual tension’, so let’s turn to our old friend, Wikipedia, for the answers.
[Five minutes later] Well, after extensive research, we’ve discerned that it could refer to either the rise of the Akkadian Empire or perhaps their most famous ruler, Sargon of Akkad, a bad-ass who created a multi-ethnic Empire, and whose life story bears a resemblance to other legendary figures, including Moses, Jesus and Dale Winton.
For more info, check out this entry about the Empire here, and Sargon here.
So there you have it – could Sargon be a new foe for the Scorpion King? Or will Kingy help Sargon to rise to the Akkadian throne in some way? And will they experience growing sexual tension? All these questions, and more you didn’t know you wanted to ask, will be answered next year when The Scorpion King: Rise Of The Akkadian is released.