Liv Story

There have been many dark times in humanity's past but none can possibly have cause more grief to a full fifty per cent of the world's population than what transpired on 25 March this year. Men around the globe cried bitter tears into their pint glasses and hurled themselves from windswept promontories as Liv Tyler broke a million hearts and married boyfriend Royston Langdon. Tying the knot at a villa in the Caribbean, Tyler and her British beau both said vows for the first time and are planning a small reception for family and friends in New York next month. Needless to say, the male staff here at Empire Online have been reduced to mere shadows of their former selves, broken men who wander aimlessly from desk to desk and sob quietly behind their monitors. Productivity has hit an all time low and a special counselling service has been set up to see us through this difficult time. Make sure your menfolk don't come to this sorry end. Be kind to them, lend a caring shoulder for them to cry on and do your best to keep them from being alone for any length of time. Guys, just remember: as bleak as it seems now (sniff), things can only get better from here (wail!). UK residents can reach The Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90.