Cannon Scores A Goal

Warning: this story will contain an inordinate amount of staggeringly bad football puns and references. Right now, Danny Cannon's over the moon. The boy Cannon, after a long spell on the movie bench, has been named as the new director of the ambitious football trilogy, Goal! Cannon will replace fellow English star player, Michael Winterbottom, who quit the $100 million franchise - produced by Lawrence Bender - a while ago, citing 'creative differences'. Sick as a parrot, Ron! The mooted movies will follow precocious young pup Diego Luna as a Los Angeles Latino who is transferred to Newcastle United (in the first movie) and then, presumably after an interminable saga in which they deny that they're interested in signing him for about two months until next thing you know he's in a white shirt (sound familiar, Arsenal fans?), he'll sign for Real Madrid in the second film. The third and final part of the trilogy will see Luna play in the 2006 World Cup in Germany. Of course, if he's playing for Mexico or the USA, that could be a short movie. Cannon is an interesting choice for the director's job. He burst onto the scene with flashy but empty London-set police thriller, The Young Americans, back in 1993 and seemed set for big things. Then came the expensive misfire Judge Dredd in 1995, before he started banging in the goals again with dodgy sequel I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. Since then, though, he's gone to ground movie-wise. But he has been heavily involved with a little TV franchise by the name of CSI (which he executive produces) in the meantime, so he probably earns more money than the Premiership stars he'll be working with soon. Filming is scheduled to start later this year against the backdrop of a harsh Newcastle winter. Newcastle were selected for the movie after Bender had weighed up the pros and cons of several other Premiership teams. Sadly, though, there's no truth to the rumour that Everton were rejected when it was realised that the prospect of Wayne Rooney's mug blown up to gargantuan proportions would induce mass panic in cinemas. Only kidding, Wayne - love ya, really.