Empire doesn’t like to get political, but with the general election upon us, this is who we’d really like to see run the country. Vote for them.
Prime Minister - The Rt. Hon Hugh Grant From Love Actually MP
We want a Prime Minister who’s firm but fair, tough on something and tough on the causes of something. We also want a Prime Minister who can strut his funky stuff to 'Jump' by The Pointer Sisters. We want a Prime Minister who would give the tabloid press a heart attack. We want the actual Hugh Grant in 10 Downing Street, basically.
Chancellor of the Exchequer - The Rt. Hon Smaug MP
He'll slash anything, including our deficit. And with his fevered love of gold, the economy couldn't be in better, scalier hands.
Secretary of State for Defence - The Rt. Hon James Bond MP
We know our politicians are usually hard-drinking, womanising carousers with the morals of a snake. At least Bond would be upfront about it. And he's been keeping us safe from harm for decades. He'll be a natural.
Secretary of State for Education - The Rt. Hon Dolores Umbridge MP
She overhauled Hogwarts, and while her controversial methods, like firing headmasters, may not win her friends, by God they get results.
Secretary of State for Energy and Climate Change - The Rt Hon Hulk MP
Hulk will smash... energy conservation targets within a year of taking office. Turns out it is easy being green.
Secretary of State for Transport - The Rt Hon Dominic Toretto MP
He lives his life a quarter of a mile at a time. Time to turn him loose on revamping the M25.
Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport - The Rt Hon Alan Partridge MP
He's got the media background as host of Norwich's hottest mid-morning radio show. He’s spilled sport pie all down the front of his shirt. As for culture, he's good friends with Bill Oddie.
Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs - Mr Creosote
Who better to oversee the nutritional wellbeing of our nation’s young than a man who will single-handedly ensure there is no unhealthy fast food for them to eat by scoffing it all himself. Zero tolerance policy on wafer-thin mints.